Indefinite Indifference

    I am an overthinker. I’m not ashamed of it, just annoyed by it mostly. I analyze every detail of certain things and it’s exhausting sometimes. Conversations, meetings, song lyrics, Facebook posts, a friend’s tone over the phone. I can make something simple into something complicated in seconds. Right after my divorce, I did this a lot. It almost drove me insane because as much as I can tell myself something doesn't matter in my head, it can still somehow matter to my heart. 

  I woke up on Tuesday like any other day when my alarm scared me to death at 5:15 am. I took my shower, got ready for the day, took kids to school, came to work, and did the same thing I do 5 days a week. Nothing jumped out at me. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t even thinking about anything in particular except the fact that I had a meeting later that day. My morning started to slow down enough that I noticed a notification on my phone saying I had Facebook memories from this day. I love this feature don’t you? It’s easy to forget how chaotic things used to be when my kids were little and life was a mess. I opened the app to view my memories and see what crazy thing Maizy was doing on this day 10 years ago when all of a sudden it hit me. The date. August 24, 2021. Just another day on the calendar but it would be this exact day 19 years ago that I got married. I wasn’t upset. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t angry. I was indifferent. However, a sudden rush of memories flooded my mind. Nineteen years ago I married someone. We bought a house together. We had kids. He knew my grandparents. He knew my secrets. We went on trips. We struggled with finances, family dynamics, and each other in general. He watched me give birth. He saw me transition from a kid to a mom. We shared a bed, a bathroom, meals, a family, and much more. We were two people who started as strangers and went through all of that just to end up as strangers again. It was only a few seconds that I paused to think about it, but it was what felt like a lifetime wrapped up in the flash of a few memories. 

I have learned it’s really hard to just decide to be “over” something. Especially for the overthinkers like me. There is always something to think about that could have been or should have been. How maybe one different conversation or decision could have made for a better outcome or a different situation. I’m happy with where I am in life right now. I know everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess my reason for this blog post is not to reminisce on my old life but to celebrate moving forward. The fact that my overthinking, detail-crazy brain woke up on Tuesday oblivious to the date and also the indifference I felt when I realized it, means that I’m in a good place. I can remember in peace instead of in pieces now. I think it’s important to pay attention to your details. The ones you think about and also the ones you don’t. As always, if you need someone to talk to about anything, I’m here.