Brittainy, but not really

 This will be the most honest and real thing I have ever written. I’m writing this in case someone else feels the way I did. Maybe you don’t even realise you do until you read this but if you do, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing things can change.

I have always been a people pleaser. Someone who thought that my life was not my own. I belonged to everyone else but not to myself. It is not wrong to want to make others happy but there is a line that most people clearly have where they say “I’m not willing to go any further” but my line was blurred. I said yes to things I wanted to say no to, I let people walk all over me and thought I had earned it. I tried hard at things for the sake of others. I spent way too much time being afraid of making a mistake. I was Brittainy, but not really. I was outgoing and funny on the outside. I was pleasant and helpful, nice and cooperative. On the inside, I was scared, sad, and lonely. I volunteered for lots of things because that was literally all I had to fill my bucket. I didn’t ask much of other people even those that were the closest to me because I didn’t want to seem needy. If I was sad I would drive somewhere and cry by myself. If I was mad, I would shut the bathroom door and take deep breaths. I would replay conversations in my head over and over trying to figure out if someone was disappointed in me or upset with me. Most days my anxiety kept me from accomplishing things I wanted to do so badly, even on the highest dose of anxiety medication. Fear of failure constantly surrounded me and I could not escape it. At home, at work, out with friends, even just hanging out with my kids I was always a nervous wreck. I pinned a thousand quotes about learning to say no or standing up  for yourself  but I could never apply the words to my own real life. I became obsessed with routine and caring for my kids. I put all my focus into that and my job to avoid having to deal with any issues I was having. I let someone mentally and emotionally destroy me everyday and I did nothing about it. I slowly over time sank into a version of myself that I hated. This went on for YEARS. Lots of years. And nothing would have changed had it been up to me to do it. 

Over this past year I have had to figure a lot of stuff out. I had to do really hard things and have really hard conversations with people that I didn’t want to have. I have learned to let go of the thought that what people think of me should define me. I have become ok with making mistakes and maybe even letting people down occasionally if it is necessary for my mental health. I understand that my kids love me even when I mess up or I am not perfect. And I am never even close to that! I choose for myself now what I will tolerate and what I won’t. I don’t allow people to make changes to how I feel about myself anymore. My anxiety is still there for a lot of things but I try to work through it now and face fears instead of staying inside my bubble and wishing for things to be different. I have discovered ways to stand up for myself without feeling like I let someone down. I have learned to take time for myself and enjoy doing things alone or with the people I love. If I get sad now, I know it’s ok. Of course I’m still working on a lot of things but I can say I love who I’m becoming and while I did have help getting here from people who love me and show me everyday that I am enough, I am proud of myself for finally getting unstuck. 

The takeaway here is if I can do it, anybody can. I was forced into change not by choice and I struggled with it but had I not been, my life would still be a mess. Finally figuring out that you are worthy of good things despite what you have been told or shown is a beautiful thing. Loving yourself for the good AND the bad stuff is hard to do but so life changing. Don’t ever let your own insecurities or the words of others force you to lead a life of unhappiness. Mental health is so important and so are you. Life is too wonderful to only live it halfway. ❤️❤️