The hardest thing

 Parenting is hard. And by “hard” I mean the MOST mentally draining, physically exhausting, logistically impossible, time consuming, end all be all hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime. There are no definitive rules for it or actual step by step instructions. Sure there are thousands of books with opinions on how to do it but really it’s up to you to make sure you are doing it right and no one ever truly believes they are 100% doing it right.

When I first became a mom I had 7 million questions a day. “Why are they crying?” “Why is the poop this color?” “When can I take a nap?” I remember when the twins were little I took them to the doctor so much that the doctor actually sat me down and told me I was the problem. She said nothing was wrong with them and I needed to calm down and stop bringing them in. She was probably right but at the time I wanted to turn her in to the board of doctors for being rude! I did all the things I thought I should do. I quit my job to stay home with my kids and teach them all the things I thought they should know. I took them to the zoo and the park and to play dates with other kids. I read books and researched online about milestones they should be getting close to. I made healthy meals and drowned them in sunscreen. I taught them how to swim and write their names. I potty trained them and taught them how to ride a bike. I put them in gymnastics and dance and t ball. I spent every minute of every day making sure I was doing the absolute best I could for them. I’m still doing this. 18 years later, I’m still consumed by my kids every second. Instead of worrying about them hitting milestones I’m worrying about them driving or moving out in a couple of months. I don’t remember who I was before I was their mom. I remember I was young but that’s about it. I don’t remember what I liked to do in my free time or how I spent my weekends. I’m scared I won’t know who I am when I’m done raising them. And I’m almost done. 

This weekend my girls will graduate high school. They both have jobs. They both will be going away to college in about two months and I will still be their mom but how will that look now? I am so happy for them and proud of all the things they have accomplished but now what? I’m not comprehending this part. I don’t know how to feel or how to act. I want to be excited but I’m so incredibly overwhelmed. I have loved this season of my life with them and I’m not ready for it to be over. I know it’s all part of life but I really never thought about this part. It always seemed so far away. Not anymore. Who will tell me my cooking sucks and my shoes don’t match? Actually, I can always count on Maizy for that but my point is my life will never be the same. In 3 short days my kids will be graduates and moving on with their lives. I will never again have to sign a permission slip for them or have a teacher conference. It feels like they are leaving me behind and my selfish love for them feels like a giant weight on my chest. I’m not stupid, I know kids grow up, but I really thought in the back of my mind that maybe mine would be the exception. Raising kids is hard. But when you are all finished, THAT is the hardest. To all my senior mom friends, I may just be really dramatic and you all are not losing it like I am, but either way just know, you did a good job, you made it, and everything is going to be ok. Congratulations!