The 365th Day

 

Exactly one year ago today my husband of 17 years looked me in the face and told me he didn’t love me anymore. The last few years of our marriage had been a ticking time bomb and that conversation was zero. It was the night before I would leave for camp with my daughter, something she had been looking forward to for a long time. So I put on a happy face and went to camp as though everything was fine. It wasn’t. Life as I had known it for so many years was over. I didn’t know what the future held for me or my kids and I was scared. Even though we were miles apart in where we stood with each other the harshness of the sharp break left me stinging. 

Over the course of the year to follow there were tears, hugs, counseling, slumber parties in my bed, startling realizations, moments of silence, moments of rage, a sense of calm and a new meaning to the word family. I had honest conversations with my girls where I felt they saw inside my soul and understood me. I challenged myself to be better. A better mom, friend, daughter, employee, sister and overall human. I succeeded in some of it and failed at some too. I read books and took long drives and made endless lists all to try to understand what would be next. I prayed to God to help me see the worth in myself and trust the plan He had for my life. I sat on my back porch and listened to a neighbor play guitar at night. I had lived in my home for 18 years and never heard it before. I taught my kid to drive. I celebrated holidays and birthdays with my girls. We went on picnics together and thrift store adventures. We watched movies and ate candy and played games. We redecorated and baked and made vision boards and became much more than mother and daughter. I fell in love. I learned to value honest communication and the calmness in another’s voice when they disagree with me. I started to see myself as something more. I finally was able to breathe out and unclench my jaw. I moved on. I changed. 

365 days ago I cooked dinner for my family, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my suitcase for camp all with tears in my eyes but like everything was fine. One year ago today everything changed. And although it was scary I thank God for it! This past year has taught me a lot about myself, my kids, and life in general. My biggest take away from this year has been if you aren’t happy, fix it. It may be scary and seem impossible at first but you are always just a few decisions away from a different life. Don’t be afraid of it. You WILL heal. Life will go on and it will be beautiful. Lots of people are cooking dinner for their families and cleaning up with tears in their eyes but like everything is ok. You never know what people are really going through so always be kind. If anyone reading this is one of those people and needs to talk I’m here. Call me, message me, come to my house. I want to tell you that a lot can happen in a year. Believe me. Xoxo