The WHYS

 There are so many “WHYS” in life and things that can’t be explained. Most of the time when we encounter these types of things we say “it’s a God thing” or “it is what it is.” I’ve had plenty of these in my lifetime. For instance, WHY was I chosen to have twins? WHY did I end up with the saint of a father that I did? WHY am I terrible at math? I don’t have an answer to any of these things. Maybe I had twins because it runs in the family, or maybe I’m bad at math because something in my brain chooses to block it out. The thing about my dad being a saint, well there is no explanation for that and I totally don’t deserve him but there are a million other things along the way in life that I just don’t have an answer to. They are what they are or God made them happen, or some sort of weird coincidence occurred but nevertheless, the question remains. WHY? 

This past year has been a trying one, to say the least. The WHY of a global pandemic along with the WHY of my broken family among other things has really set up shop in my thoughts. The divorce itself isn’t really a WHY for me as much as the question of WHY wasn’t I good enough or WHY couldn’t things change? Those are things I will never have the answers to. I guess what I’m trying to say is, the unexplainable things in life can go either way. They can hurt you and leave you in pieces or they can make you whole and change your course for the better. This is where my story shifts. This is the WHY that changes my course and makes me whole. 

It all started in the 6th grade when I met someone who instantly became a good friend. He will tell you he always wanted more but in the 6th grade how do you really know right? Throughout our school careers, we built a strong friendship and could talk for hours about anything. I always knew he was someone I could count on and trust and I hope he felt the same way about me. After middle school, we separated into different high schools but remained friends. I even went to his high school prom and we attended different events for each other. I started to feel a connection that was maybe more than friends but again this is where the WHY comes in and I don’t know exactly WHY I was afraid of it or didn’t choose to pursue it. I will say back then my maturity and self-worth were not the best. But for whatever reason, we didn’t end up together. Almost right after high school, I met my ex-husband and we were engaged very soon after that. Our friendship faded and he moved to New York to go after his dreams. We stayed in touch a little bit but we were mostly just acquaintances at that point instead of good friends. For many years I thought about how and what he was doing. I always kept a Bible he had given me the year I was baptized as a junior in high school. I would refer to it often when I felt I needed guidance. He wrote me a message on the front cover and I have it memorized from reading over it so many times. He eventually got engaged and our lives went on. People come and go all the time right? 

Now, let’s fast forward to now. I struggled with the decision of changing my status on social media from married to divorced for weeks. I didn’t want people to ask me about it and I certainly didn’t want to have to explain it any more than I already had but one day I decided to just do it. I needed to put it out there in the world so I could start to believe it was actually real. It was my life now. I was divorced. A few weeks later I received a message from my old friend on Facebook hoping to catch up. I looked back at our last conversation and it had been 10 years ago. I messaged him back and like a true friendship has a way of doing, it was like we had never missed a beat. Ten years is a long time to go without speaking to each other but you would have never known it had been that long by our conversation. I told him about my divorce and my kids, my job, and my family. He told me about his engagement and the break-up, his business, his family, and his experiences. We both needed that friendship. I felt a need to tell him how I had thought about him often and how I didn’t know WHY I had never given us a chance to be more than friends. It would be this conversation that changed the course of both of our lives. We talked for hours that night and have every night since. He came to visit from Seattle and took me out on what would be our first official date after 28 years. It had been love at first sight for him so long ago but it would be for me as well through my fresh pair of eyes and my new self which I am learning to love. Sometimes you don’t know what love is until you know what it is not. I loved my husband but it shouldn’t have been that hard. Being married for 18 years and then having to start over is difficult. It definitely changes you and your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and sense of self. I will be 40 in just under a month. This is not at all what I thought it would look like but I am truly happy. I have found the one my soul loves. I don’t know WHY things worked out the way they did but thank God they did. In that Bible I was given back in 1998 he copied a verse down for me speaking of love. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” WHY would those words have such a profound meaning for me now and not back then? Is it because I had no idea then what love was? Is it because I needed to go through the things that I’ve been through to appreciate those words? Or is it simply a God thing?

I’m telling this story not for anyone to criticize my timing or choices or heart. I am telling it because I need to put it out there to feel it’s real. I am in love and someone is in love with me. It may not be what my original plan was, and it may not always be easy but it has always been written in the stars, and only God knows WHY.

The middle school where we met.