Day 1

This blog post is NOT about wanting sympathy or attention. I just want to make that perfectly clear. It’s been one heck of a year so far for me and I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say. 

On March 1st Zach moved out. To most of you, that’s not a shocker. We tried to make things work for a long time but in the end, I have concluded that sentimental, sensitive people need to be with other sentimental, sensitive people. Otherwise, they will always end up disappointed and left with a feeling of not being good enough. I’ll just leave it at that. I will never write about the bad stuff between him and I because, despite all of it, he gave me my three girls and they are the greatest gifts. I am thankful for that. 

   Starting over at (almost) 40 comes with its challenges. Especially since my parents moved an hour away. They have always been right down the street and I took it for granted that they always would. But they are living their dream at the lake and they are happy and they deserve it. I had to put my big girl panties on and figure stuff out on my own. I moved out of my parents’ house and in with my husband 18 years ago. I was only 21 years old. I didn’t know anything. I’ve never had to mow the lawn, change my oil, or unclog a shower. I’m learning but all that on top of work and three kids and school and homework and the list goes on. It’s hard. The girls have been amazing. The twins get it and they support me and help me in every way they can. Maizy is struggling. She’s gone through lots of emotions and still is but we are trying to work through them together. She has matured so much in the last year. I’m really proud of her for that. With the thought of the twins going off to college VERY soon and lots of hard decisions being thrown at me, I feel like I might not be as strong as I thought I was. Every day when my alarm goes off at 5:00 am I feel like I could vomit. There is a heaviness that sits on top of my chest and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s my constant fear of letting someone down, or it’s my failed marriage, or it’s the stress of all that’s wrong in the world but I’m hoping that soon the weight will feel a little less heavy every day. I hope I can figure out who I am just as I am. Not as a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a friend, but just myself as a person. People change and God do I know that, but the good thing is you get to decide what you become. I’ve got some things in mind for myself and I’m asking for prayers that I can make them happen. My divorce was finalized this week. It’s done. I’m starting over today and on day 1 I need to remember that you never know what people are going through in life so always show kindness when you can and when you see the good in people, speak it! This may be exactly what they need to hear. As long as you are doing your best and putting good out there in the world, you are doing enough. 💜