Every year at Christmas time I get a warm fuzzy feeling and Jingle Bell Rock gets put on repeat and nothing stands in the way of my immense Christmas spirit. Until this year. It was due in part to the fact that it was 70 degrees for most of December and most people were still wearing shorts. It was also partly because my kids are too old for toys now and that makes it less fun. But the real kicker to my lack of Christmas cheer was a huge lack in Christmas funds. When I was a kid, I loved Christmas because I got to open presents and get new stuff. What kid doesn’t? When I got older though, buying for other people was even better. I love spending hours at the store looking for just the right thing and seeing someone’s face when they open it. I love to surprise my kids with gifts that they would never think of wanting but absolutely love. The anticipation of the holidays kills me every year because of the agony of waiting to give a loved one something I picked out for them with my whole heart. I am an over thinker so anyone who gets a gift from me should know, I analyzed every reason for getting what I did. I carefully thought about how your favorite color is red so I couldn't settle for a green one even if it meant driving to 8 different stores.
This year we just couldn’t swing Christmas. It’s been a rough year to say the least and I feel like I have said that every year for the last 16 years but we have always managed to have a nice Christmas no matter what we were going through at the time. Except this year. There were many factors that led to our downfall but I would say overall it was just life, giving us lemons. Anyway, we talked to our kids and told them the situation and they understood. We don’t try to hide our struggles from them. They need to know that if we say no to something or if their friends are all getting things and they aren’t, it’s not because we don’t think they deserve things too. And they have always been really careful about what they ask for, which made this Christmas even that much harder for me. I had nothing to wrap, nothing to put under the tree, and nothing to say to my kids but Merry Christmas. Now I know that gifts aren’t really the reason for the season and I know that my kids have a roof over their heads, clothes to wear, and food to eat so they will be fine without presents, but my mommy heart hated it. I hated it because they deserve the world and even though they seemed fine with the news, I wasn’t able to give them any piece whatsoever of the world.
Now sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes things work out and it had nothing to do with you. This was one of those times. My family and even some friends stepped up for my kids. The girls each made a list of things they wanted because my family asked for it. They made their lists based on wishes, wants, and maybe a long shot or two. They weren’t long, and they were for the most part, practical. They didn’t expect anything but they ended up with everything. Between my family and Zach’s family the girls got everything on their lists and more. They ended up having an amazing Christmas and I even got a present or two! I had a pit in my stomach all month leading up to Christmas day because I knew that people were going to give my children gifts and I had nothing to give them in return. Now this is the part where I really need to say what I am about to say because I need to remember it always. There will be times when you are in need and accepting help doesn't mean you are a failure. And no matter what happens in life, at the end of the day, family is family and they love you. And that feeling that I get when I find just the right gift for someone is because I love that person and I want to make them happy. There are people out there who feel the same way about me and instead of feeling enormous guilt for receiving something, I should accept with a grateful heart. There will be a time (hopefully soon) when we will be ok and things will be better and when that time comes, we will remember those who were kind to us and pay it forward. I will always remember this Christmas, not because of what I couldn’t do for others, but because of what others did for me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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