What is Happening Right Now?

 People have told me for years now that if I had a reality show they would watch it. I always laugh it off, but really, I’d probably watch it too. You just can’t make this stuff up. I would only do it under one condition though. Well maybe two. 

1. I get a makeup and hair team. 
2. I get to name my show. I think i would either call it “Man Overboard,” “What is Happening Right Now?” or “Who’s Kids Are These?” 

 Most people know my story. Mom of 3 girls. A sassy eight year old with multiple personalities and the inability to sit still or control her mouth. Twin teenagers who rarely leave their room but when they do, act like they are dying of starvation and feel the need to only speak to each other using inside jokes or text messages. Also there is a husband with an impossible expectation that everything is always going to work out in our favor but when it doesn’t thinks it’s the end of the world. literally. Like if the grocery store is out of Oreos, it’s a conspiracy against our family. Then there is me, the mom. Hi. Who sucks at cooking, can’t feel my face after one margarita, and still to this day cannot step on a crack in fear that it will break my mother’s back. That’s us. My life in a nutshell but with the nuts still in.

 We aren’t a family known for our good luck and if you don’t believe me, just read some of my past blogs and you will see what I’m talking about. This one is no different. Now sit back, take a sip of wine, and read on, if for nothing else, to make you feel better about your own life. 

Last Wednesday:

Kenna waited almost three years to get her braces off and today was the day! Among all of the excitement was a tear or two shed by me looking at the PAID receipt of $400 for a set of retainers. “You look so beautiful! Now, if anything happens to this retainer I will fashion you a new one out of floral wire and duct tape before I buy you another one.” Those were my words to McKenna as we left the orthodontist. I really wasn’t worried because she is a pretty responsible kid but I have to throw a threat around sometimes you know just to keep it real with her. 

Yesterday:

For some reason our house seems to be a target for power outages, gas leaks, and plumbing problems. When I came home, I got a knock on the door from some guy who explained to me that the city had replaced our gas line in the alley and they had to temporarily shut off our gas. This was at 4:00. He told me that someone from Atmos was going to come out within the hour and turn our gas back on. Without gas we cannot use our dryer, oven, or hot water heater. I had faith in Atmos so I secretly celebrated the fact that I could not do laundry or start dinner for at least another hour and sat down on the couch. I repeat. I sat down on the couch. YAY!! 

3 hours later:

The gas is still not on and everyone is whining about being hungry. I leave the house and go pick up fast food for dinner which the drive thru lady gets all wrong and I have to listen to Maizy cry about not liking ranch dressing on her food for the next 35 minutes. After dinner I decide to run the kids to my mom’s house for a shower since their kid stink was making my nose run and I needed to throw a load of wet clothes in her dryer. We get home and Kenna starts frantically searching the house. She put her retainers in the case and on our dinning room table before we left which is bar height and they weren’t there. I search all the usual places and don't find them. Now panic is starting to set in. I look down at Carl, our dog, and think to myself there is no way our tiny chihuahua could have jumped up there and got that retainer case and then got the case opened. Right? But just in case he could I went outside with a flashlight to look in Carl’s hiding spot and sure enough there was the empty retainer case and the remains of what was once $400. As I turned to scream at McKenna she was already standing there balling her eyes out at the thought of that floral wire homemade mess I was probably going to attempt. In punishment for Carl’s constant need to find and tear up anything of value in our house, I told him he was sleeping outside and shut the door. 

12:45 AM:

Everyone is asleep and a man knocking on our door wakes me up. It was the Atmos guy who was supposed to be here 8 hours ago to turn on our gas. He informs me that he will need to go in our backyard and I assume that is that, shut the door, and go back to bed. About 10 minutes later I hear the knocking again. I go to the door and it’s the Atmos guy again. He informs me that when he opened the gate, my dog ran out and he wasn’t able to catch him. But on the bright side my gas is back on and he wants to know if I want him to come inside and light the pilot lights back. Yes, this actually happened. I explain to him exactly where I want to stick my foot at that moment and bid him farewell. I wake Zach up so we can go search for Carl. 

1:30 AM:

No sign of Carl. We decide that Zach will take a sick day from work the next morning to search for the dog and take Kenna back to the orthodontist to give away some more of her college fund to the evil retainer makers who think $400 for a tiny plastic mouth mold is acceptable. He also tries to light the pilot light for the next 30 minutes while throwing around cuss words like confetti. He finally gets it lit and we all go back to bed at 2:15 AM. 

6:45 this morning:

I raise the garage door to start my journey to work and who comes strolling into the garage? Carl. So I banish him to his crate and off to work I go. Zach took Kenna at noon to get new retainers made, Carl was home, and I could do laundry again. All that effort and heartache just to be back in exactly the same place we were on Monday. Living life, having retainers, taking hot showers, and having a normal dog who could not jump incredibly high for his size. All is right with the world again. Time to watch This Is Us on my iPad and cry. Not for my own misfortunes but because the writers of that show are so damn good! Am I right? Happy Wednesday friends.